GLOBAL SHOCK AT OLD TRAFFORD: Finnish businessman Thomas Zilliacus has announced that he has completed the deal to buy Manchester United, ending a long and controversial era of the Glazer family. Zilliacus, who once caused a stir in the football world when he entered the race to buy the Red Devils many years ago, has now returned and succeeded in this historic deal. According to international sources, he is preparing a plan to “revive Manchester United,” promising to bring the legendary team back to the top of the Premier League and Europe. Fans around the world are currently in a frenzy, calling this “a new dawn at the Theatre of Dreams.”